hazy

ha·zy 
–adjective, -zi·er, -zi·est.
1.
characterized by the presence of haze; misty: hazy weather.
2.
lacking distinctness or clarity; vague; indefinite; obscure; confused: a hazy idea.

Warning...this is a venting post so do not read if you cannot handle it.

This is how I am feeling this last month....the weather is reflecting my mood as well but I cannot shake this lack of distinctness or clarity, really in any part of my life right now. The all consuming roller coaster of foster care has taken over every minute it seems of our lives but any other second we have has been spent on work...yek! or illness. Chris had the flu! Then bronchitis/walking pneumonia. And according to the lawyers (who have never met kevin or apparently do not have an MD) he simply has had a viral infection for the last 6 weeks!! (really-or could it be that bio mom still struggles to make a bottle or feed him appropriately or that he never gets a nap when they are together!)

We live to survive visits and when he is home we recover from them to then do it all over again the next week or day. I am tired of listening to her tell all the "right" people that she is doing everything "perfect" and then watching how much it affects this sweet, innocent baby boy. I could scream and I have, often.

This is really just a part of what has happened but I will spare all the details of everything that is going on....

This last week it all came to a head and I dug in my heals and decided that I was done! (like a mission companion I had...who decided to just sit down on the corner of a busy street and refused to move!) DONE!....I was done....I was so mad at Heavenly Father for leading us to this place, for allowing our baby to suffer so much and furious that after all this he will be returning to this women and not a great situation. I was done having faith, done reading my scriptures and saying my prayers to a God that obviously is not listening. And done sacrificing my time, energy and really myself for something that felt so futile. Why? Why is all of this happening to us and to him.

I know....I should be grateful for the experiences, I should trust in His all powerful and eternal hand and feel joy for birth mom that she is going on 6 months clean. But I could not see anything through the HAZE. And how quietly and slowly does that haze slip in-in the night even.

BUT:

We are better now!

After a 3 hour conversation with our branch president, who is a very dear friend of ours, as well as a priesthood blessing and many days and nights this week spent praying and even fasting; I think we have cleared some of the HAZE. I am still unclear about anything really, no answer came about what will happen. But I have a better peace about what the future holds. I have come to see how things could be ok eternally if/when our baby boy leaves. And I can feel of the strengthening power and love of my Savior, Jesus Christ. His atonement is real and He can take away any pain and heartache if we only humble (myself especially stubborn) ourselves and turn to Him.

Our faith has been renewed, not that we will not doubt again but I hope the haze over our lives is gone for good. I am truly grateful....and am enjoying the sweet moments we have with this little guy who has changed our lives forever!

"Love life and see good days."

1 Peter 3:10