Wednesday, May 5, 2010

some things....

some things I just don't want to remember forever or document for posterity but time will fade those feelings and I would be sad if I did not capture the reality of our life right now. And I am not complaining or feeling bad for us. I am just feeling so many emotions all at once; so many highs but also some really low lows.

How could we complain with this little guy around!

Capo is the sweetest baby! And I love every second we have together. He is growing and healthy! He brings laughter, smiles and so much love into our home. And those cheeks are so fun to kiss and squeeze. He giggles more, sleeps really well and amazes me at how much he can do now.

There is that other side though...that I wish were simpler!

We have a new worker now with a new schedule not only for visits but for work and daycare. I have to kinda start over with what we were getting used to. I thought I really thrived on change but this is really hard to keep adjusting. And sometimes the change is really last minute.
Visits with birth mom have been really difficult lately. I am not sure where the line is and when to jump in and when to just let her figure it out on her own. I feel like Capo is ours though, we know him best and it kills me to see him struggle as well as birth mom. I guess there is no easy solution any more and my fear is that this will just get more complicated the longer we go. There are so many factors and things change so quickly.

We pray and fast that we can react in the right way and reach out in love and with the spirit to do what everyone needs. There are a lot of emotions involved. And the biggest struggle is to have charity for a person that in the end I want to either fail (only because that would be an out not that I wish her harm) or to have her realize that we could offer something that she might not be able to in the end. Again no easy solution there! But if charity seeketh not her own then I really need to change my attitude towards her. Again so many highs and lows even within the same situation.

I wish that sometimes I could just stop and enjoy this time. It is not really how I planned to spend my first few months with our newborn. We are busier then ever! is crazy for both of us with more demands. Doctors visits are a whole other story- with there own set of hopes and devastation's. I cannot seem to find time to workout anymore or work in the yard now that it is spring. Even housework that I actually enjoy is so hard to keep up with. Church responsibilities are never ending. Camp meetings, Super Saturday-March service, April at the Auditorium theater. Unit Conferences, Leadership Training Meeting, etc. Which were all great but so time consuming. We just seem to keep adding things. That is the challenge though to balance it all. Pick and choose!

The baby is finally over his yucky green spit up but now I am dying of a head cold. And I am just so physically tired.
So sweet! really sounds like I am complaining a lot.

Again with all of these things I am happy, busy and doing things that I love and care about. All of these things keep me focused on what is important, good and fulfilling. They give me opportunities to stretch and grow; to experience things I never thought I would do. To love others that I never thought I could and do things that I never imagined that I could. I am grateful, happy, feel at peace and am loving the life that we have together. The good things definitely out weigh the bad and one day this will all be behind us and only a slit memory!

PLUS.....we leave for WYO in exactly 29 hours!


D.B. said...

good pics, the balance of life is hard for sure. going to lander?

Jodie said...

We love you. I hate that we haven't been more available and able to help. And I am more than a little jealous that you are headed home. :) Let me know when you get back. We need to see you and get a Packer family fix. Love you all!!

Eric and Jessi said...

I wish we could knew the future, but for the time being you and Chris are the best capo could ask for! We love you!