conflicted

I love these little photos-loving on his chip, then he sees himself and begins to laugh out loud! He is such a happy, silly little boy!

WARNING: needing to vent! So I am writing here which is a safe place to let it out-I am feeling anxious, overwhelmed and nervous about what the next few months will bring. Everyone tells us it will be over soon and we should just look forward but what about right now. How do we make it through today, this week until the next court date. My patience is running thin and I am just tired of it all. Visits, court, meetings, home visits, my conflicting feelings and even guilt! Disrupted naps and schedules...I know not that bad, right. I just want answers!

We have for years yearned for a baby of our own. And now we have been raising this boy as our own the problem is how can we now in good conscience just take him as our own! When his own biomom has the same desires and yearnings. And in the process of losing him we fear she will lose all hope of change or a life. It is actually really devastating. And I am not sure how to explain it but it is just heart wrenching! Why could there not be an easier solution? And why after all this time when things are coming to an end am I not more excited and pleased.

We have no solution and there has been no final decision...which I guess is part of the process. There are so many details that I hope one day will be clouded with my memory even better forgotten. But mostly I just wish that everyone involved would just have peace. And I guess that is my prayer for bio that she will have a life of love, peace and happiness; she deserves at least that. We all are not that different from each other.